“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.” — Martin Luther King Jr.
To my brothers, sisters, and my mother,
I need to say something that’s been weighing on me. I know this will be incredibly hard for me, and it might not come out perfectly, but it’s something I need to do. I’ve tried to reach out, though without much response. I understand why—truthfully, I probably haven’t even earned the right to expect one. But this is my attempt to make amends and shed some light on my thoughts, actions, and reactions.
I know I’ve severed ties with everyone more than once. This isn’t about asking for forgiveness, though. It’s about forgiving myself—for sabotaging relationships and trying to understand why I’ve done it. I know I don’t need to revisit every detail of what our family has endured, but so much of that has shaped who I am today.
This effort isn’t driven by my recent separation, but by what the separation has forced me to confront—realizations about my mental health and deeply rooted issues I’ve ignored for years. These struggles have been manifesting in ways I can’t ignore anymore, like the panic attacks I’ve been experiencing.
My first panic attack ten years ago felt like a one-off nightmare, but now they’ve become almost a weekly occurrence. They’ve forced me to face what I’ve been avoiding: I am not okay, and I need to deal with these issues before they consume me.
One thing I’ve realized is that I need to make amends without expecting anything in return—not forgiveness, not reconciliation. My goal is to start forgiving myself for the ways I’ve sabotaged relationships. So here I am, apologizing to each of you: Mom, Eugène, Richer, Eugénie, and Tanya.
I want you to know it’s not your fault—not at all. The distance I’ve created has always been about me. My whole life, I’ve been running—running from my situation, my family, my friends, my surroundings. But no matter where I went, I took the same unresolved issues with me. I wish I had realized this much sooner. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this place now.
This is my way of cleaning up my side of the street, focusing on what I can control, and letting go of what I can’t. There’s so much tension in my life right now. I recently came across a quote that said, “The root of all tension is wanting things to be different than they are.” That hit me hard because it’s exactly what I’ve been doing—fighting my reality instead of accepting it. I know I need to work on that, and I hope I can get there sooner rather than later.
Finally, I want to apologize for cutting ties. I need you all to know it had nothing to do with any of you—it was always about me and my inability to love and accept myself. Instead of facing my struggles, I ran. But I’ve learned there’s no escaping what’s inside of me. Wherever I go, it follows.
I’m working on it now. And while I hope that one day we might be able to sit down and talk, I understand if that never happens. Regardless, I want you to know that I love you all deeply. This is my way of saying that, and of starting to make peace with myself.
