Tag: EmotionalWellness

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Facing the Holidays Alone: A Reflection on Struggles and Self-Sabotage

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”

— Michel de Montaigne

Today has been a mentally hard day, and it feels like this is becoming more frequent. I think the fast-approaching holidays have something to do with it. I’m struggling to accept that I’ll be spending them alone. Honestly, I don’t think it’s normal to just accept that—I’m not sure, though. Maybe it’s just me, sitting here on my lunch break.

I was on the Salvation Army website earlier, trying to find a way to volunteer on the 24th and 25th so I wouldn’t have to spend those days alone. You’d be surprised how hard it is to volunteer; I couldn’t find anything. Every time I clicked on something, it didn’t take me to the right place, and I couldn’t sign up for anything. It almost felt like they don’t actually need anyone, though I know that’s probably not true.

I’m sure some people don’t mind spending the holidays completely alone, but I’m not one of them. In some ways, I know I’m doing this to myself. I could spend time with certain people, but if I don’t get along with them, my pride gets in the way, and I just don’t do it. It’s like I’m sabotaging myself—thinking it’s my way or nothing. Maybe I’m just making excuses, but it’s what I feel.

I keep thinking that maybe I should quit my job and leave before the holidays to go to Montreal. Don’t get me wrong, I’d probably still be alone most of the time there too, but at least I’d get to see my son at some point. Something about being there feels like I wouldn’t be as mentally alone as I would be here. Still, part of me feels like I might need to stay here, go through this process, and just endure it. I don’t know.

I’ve been feeling so low lately that I’ve even thought about starting my meds again. I don’t want to, but the thought keeps crossing my mind. How did it even come to this? It feels like a shock, but then I question if it really is. What happened on September 27 just feels like the drop that made the cup overflow, as we say in French. I don’t know if there’s an equivalent saying in English.

If I’m being honest, I wasn’t well even when I officially got here in late 2018. I’ve been struggling with mental health for much longer—long before my first marriage in 1994. Coming from a dysfunctional family, I guess I’ve been struggling since childhood. How sad is it that I’m only realizing this now?

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Mental workout

“Just like physical exercise, mental workouts take time and consistency to see results, but they build the strength and resilience that shape who you are.” – Dr. Caroline Leaf

The coffee meet-up went well, as it always does. I even told her that, as sad as it sounds, it’s often the highlight of my week. I say it’s sad because it makes me realize how little is happening during the rest of my week. Like I’ve said before, I think it’s because I feel emotionally isolated in my studio apartment.

I was on medication for anxiety and depression, but I stopped because it wasn’t working for me—in fact, it often made things worse. Some of the medications would almost completely stop the panic attacks, but they left me feeling deeply depressed. On the other hand, the antidepressants helped me sleep, but I’d wake up feeling incredibly anxious. In the end, I realized medication wasn’t the right solution for me.

Lately, I’ve been practicing meditation, and I can honestly say it’s helping. It’s teaching me how to stay in the moment and be kinder to myself. I have a tendency to be very hard on myself, but meditation is helping me break that habit.

During our conversation, my ex reminded me that I have my physical health, to which I quickly responded that I don’t have my mental health. I even said my mental health is “out of shape.” She reminded me that’s exactly why I’m working on it, and she encouraged me to stay focused on my mental health the same way I’ve focused on my physical health for years.

That’s what I’m doing now—trying to be more mindful, meditating, and even journaling, like I’m doing right now. I’m doing the best I can, though sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough or like I’m seeing results quickly enough. But I remind myself it’s just like working out. You don’t see fast results, but if you make it a lifestyle, progress happens over time.

That’s my goal: to make my mental health practices a part of my lifestyle, just like I’ve done with physical fitness.