“You are doing everything right—be patient and kind to yourself. Healing is not linear, and sometimes, just holding on is a victory.”
— Dr. Brené Brown, Researcher and Author on Vulnerability and Resilience
Lately, I’ve been sleeping better, but when I wake up, I feel restless, agitated, and scattered. I usually wake up around 5 AM, but I don’t feel rested. It’s still an improvement compared to when I wasn’t sleeping much at all and felt just as agitated upon waking. Maybe part of it is that I haven’t slept alone in a bed since 1993—I only just realized that.
Most mornings, I meditate after waking. During meditation, especially in the morning, my mind constantly wanders, and I have to keep bringing my focus back to my breath. Sometimes, tears roll down my cheeks while meditating—not from emotion, just a physical reaction. My thoughts race, mostly about how to stop feeling this way. I feel torn between wanting to fight and wanting to flee, but I know fleeing isn’t the answer. Wherever I go, I take myself with me. Fighting doesn’t seem like the solution either. What am I fighting? Myself? My situation? That’s probably it.
I know from meditation that I should accept my situation, but I struggle with it. I think it’s because I’m trying to control things that aren’t controllable. Intellectually, I know I have a lot going for me: I’m healthy, intelligent, not unattractive. I have a roof over my head, some money in the bank, and passions like running, working out, and programming. I have a son who loves me, friends who reach out to me, dual citizenship, a car, and a great computer. But none of it feels meaningful if I can’t share it with someone. Listing all these positives should cheer me up, but it doesn’t. In the back of my mind, I’m comparing myself to…someone. I don’t even know who.
I’ve tried so many things to improve my situation. I saw my doctor, who prescribed medication. I did online therapy—it felt a bit awkward, but I gave it a try. I’ve taken medication, though I’m not on any now because I didn’t feel it helped. I’ve been meditating, working out, reaching out to people I care about, and making myself vulnerable. I’ve opened up, poured my feelings out, and maintained honest communication with those close to me.
People tell me I’m doing everything right and that I need to be patient and kind to myself. I know I should take that advice—it’s good advice. But knowing and feeling are two different things, and I’m still working on bridging that gap.