“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”
— Martin Luther King Jr.
I decided to book a week in Montreal during Christmas. I’ll be driving there and arriving on December 21, staying until December 28. It’s going to be a long drive—at least ten hours—but I’m looking forward to the trip. So far, I’ve only told my son. Hopefully, we’ll get to see each other a bit, though I know he’s busy with work, school, and his girlfriend, which I completely understand. I haven’t decided if I’ll let anyone else know about the trip yet.
When I booked the Airbnb, I thought it might ease some of my anxiety, but it didn’t quite work. It didn’t address the deeper issues I’m dealing with, but at least I won’t be here for the holidays, which feels like a positive step. I’ve been stuck in my own head too much lately, and getting away might help.
My ex and I were supposed to meet for coffee on Tuesday, December 17, which would have been our eighth anniversary. She wasn’t available on Monday, but this morning, she let me know she has to reschedule for December 19 due to work. It’s a little disappointing because I had hoped to reminisce about that date, but I don’t think she’s interested in doing that. She seems to be coping well—or at least that’s the image she projects. Maybe she’s just “faking it until she makes it,” as she once said. I can’t tell for sure because she doesn’t share much about how she’s feeling. Last time we spoke, I asked her how she felt about us meeting for coffee, and she admitted it made her anxious. She said something about worrying about me, but I’m not sure what she meant or if I fully understood.
As for Montreal, I need to plan what I’ll do while I’m there, but part of me wonders if I should just take things as they come. Either way, I’ll have to return home and face my issues. It’s been three months of darkness, and I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’ve tried so many things to pull myself out of it, but nothing seems to work. I know I’m likely depressed and need to take things one day at a time. I’m doing positive things, and I know progress can be slow, but I just wish I wasn’t alone. That’s the hardest part, and I only have myself to blame for it.
I’ve been thinking about joining a group or community. I even considered AA, though I don’t think I’m an alcoholic. I haven’t had a drink in nearly four years, but lately, I’ve thought about it again, which might mean AA could help. I’ve also looked into volunteering to help others or joining farming communities where I could learn to farm. Minimalism is another idea I’ve been exploring. I’ve been researching all these things, hoping to find something that helps me feel less down, dark, and lonely.
It’s a rough road I’m on right now, but I’m trying to have faith that I’ll get through it. That’s all I can do.